Marc Pro - Strava

The invention of Strava has provided an unique inner-competition to everyday cycling, the KOM.  Ride up a climb with your GPS, upload that data to Strava and you can instantly compare your performance against anyone else who has done the same route.  If you manage to ride up that climb faster than anyone else, you are now the new King of the Mountain, for everyone on the internet to see.  Strava allows you to bask in your own glory as the virtual wall of trophies grow on your KOM wall.

However, if you are too old, fat, slow or lazy - and as a result your Strava KOM wall is filled with cobwebs instead of shiny gold icons - I have some methods you can use to "dope" yourself into cycling internet climbing super-stardom.  Just like Micheal Rasmussen!

CREATE IMPOSSIBLE KOMS

Strava allows you to create your own KOM segments.  If you have the fastest time on these personal segments, it's still worth a trophy.  To insure you have a KOM that no-one else can break, create one that ends inside your house.  That's right, ride straight through your front door (lock it behind you) and end your ride at the refrigerator.  As long as you keep your doors locked, no-one will beat the KOM that ends at a sandwich in your kitchen.

DRIVE TO THE CLIMB

The KOMs that I am most proud of are ones that I set 4-5 hours into a ride.  If someone comes along and beats these KOMs, I always check how far into their ride they were when they beat them.  Setting a KOM at mile 10 is a lesser feat than setting a KOM at mile 100.  However, if you need to stroke your internet ego and add some trophies to your wall, start driving to the base of KOMs.  Find KOMs that are deep into a typical cycling route, load up your 2-wheel drive SUV with your bike and park right at the foot of the climb.  Use your trainer to warm-up, then hammer it up that climb, fresh as a daisy.  Steal those KOMs from other riders who actually worked to get there.

Motorized Assistance

Fossil fueled engines can propel you faster than your legs, it's a fact.  But I'm not suggesting your install a motor in your down-tube like ole' Fabian Cancellara, that's far too complicated.  I'm suggesting you put your bike on your roof rack, turn on your GPS and drive your hipster-hybrid Subaru wagon to the top of the climb.  As you crest the ascent after setting an unbeatable KOM record at 45 mph, get out of your car and salute like you just won Alpe D'huez.

UH OH, YOU'RE BUSTED

On the main page of every Strava ride, there is a little "Actions" menu above the map.  This actions menu allow you to "Flag a Ride."  You are basically calling bullshit on the performance.  So the next time some moron leaves his GPS on while he drives home from a ride and smashes your KOMs at 70 mph, flag that ride.  When some idiot makes a KOM that involves riding through Whole Foods, then up the climb, flag that ride.  Call out the posers, sneaks and liars and help make a better Strava for everyone.  Or cheat your way to a wall of unbreakable trophies and enjoy all the fortune, women and power that come with internet cycling fame.

If you want to join in the fun of Strava and earn (or steal) some KOMs, it is now 100% free.  Check it out.